By Jeff Mullin, columnist
Enid News and Eagle
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I first heard it when I was a kid of about 10 or 11.
A friend had it on a 45 rpm record, a museum piece today but state of the art technology back then.
It might have been the first comedy record I ever heard. At that point in my life it was easily the funniest thing I’d ever heard.
It was Andy Griffin’s 1953 monologue about a country boy’s impressions of an event the likes he had never seen before, from “five or six convicts a-runnin’ up and down and a-blowin’ whistles,” to “both bunches-full of them men wanted this funny lookin’ little punkin to play with.”
What it was, was football. That was the name of the bit, at the end of which Griffin’s country boy concluded “I think it’s some kindly of a contest where they see which bunch-full of them men can take that punkin an’ run from one end of that cow pasture to the other’n without either gettin’ knocked down — er steppin’ in somethin’.”
If you’ve never heard Griffin’s masterpiece, check it out on the Internet. I remember laughing until I couldn’t breathe, perhaps because bathing our national obsession in the glare of an uninitiated observer strips the sport to its most basic elements (or perhaps I am simply easily amused).
What it was, is football. What it is, is akin to a secular religion.
It begins this week in cities and towns across the nation. Fans will pack old wooden bleachers set up around carefully manicured patches of green grass. The lights of small town football fields will be the brightest things in the evening sky and will attract patrons as readily as they attract night-flying insects.
Your brother, your cousin, your buddy, the kid who cuts up in math class, the boy who carries your groceries to your car, all become town heroes when they don the same school colors worn by their daddies and granddaddies.
In Oklahoma lives are ordered according to the football schedule. On football Friday nights life comes to a screeching halt in many small Oklahoma towns. On college football Saturdays, woe be it to anyone who schedules an event opposite the Oklahoma Sooners or Oklahoma State Cowboys.
Why are we so taken by this brutal, warlike game? Perhaps because of those very qualities. At its core football involves the taking, and defending, of territory.
But, like the best of American enterprise, it also involves teamwork — people striving for a common goal.
Andy Griffin’s country boy character described football as “the awfullust fight that I’d ever seen in my life!” and it is. It is not for the faint of heart.
Once again it seems to reflect the American character. We get up when we are knocked down, and we play hurt when we have to.
From now until the early part of February football will dominate the American sports scene. All other sports take a back seat to football in terms of attendance, media coverage and sheer impact on our collective psyche.
The National Football League is the nation’s most powerful athletic organization. The average value of an NFL franchise is just over $1 billion.
College football isn’t too far behind. The University of Texas football program took in $87.5 million in gross revenue in 2008-2009.
And not all high school teams play before a couple hundred fans in small stadiums just a short walk from the town’s mom and pop ice cream and burger joint. In Texas there are a dozen high school stadiums with seating capacities of 16,000 or more, the largest of which, Alamo Stadium in San Antonio, seats 23,000.
The sale of merchandise sporting NFL and college football logos has exploded into a billion dollar business. The Texas Longhorns bring in $10.1 million in revenue sales alone. And their Super Bowl win has vaulted the New Orleans Saints into the lead in NFL merchandise sales.
And that includes far more than replica jerseys and caps. The NFL now features women’s apparel by designer Alyssa Milano.
Football has been around more than 100 years, but it has morphed from a close cousin of rugby to a wide open combination of ballet, track and ultimate fighting.
For the next five months Americans will cheer, boo, moan, groan, laugh and cry over football. We will travel thousands of miles to stand in interminable lines and pay way too much for a hot dog, nachos and a drink. We will sit under the blazing run, in the pouring rain and in the driving snow to cheer on our favorite teams.
We will spend thousands of hours cussing and discussing each and every game, every play, every call. We will leave a lasting impression of our backsides in our favorite recliners or on the living room couch as we watch the game on television. And we do watch. The most watched event in the history of television was the last Super Bowl. We will devote far too much time concerned about the fate of our own fantasy football teams.
Is football healthy? Certainly not for many of the players, since injuries are very much a part of this violent game. And sitting around snarfing down snacks and screaming at the officials is not exactly the road to good health for those of us who call ourselves fans.
It may not be healthy, but it darn sure is fun. One of my favorite local advertising signs went up recently. “Goodbye dear, football’s here,” reads the insurance agency’s sign.
What it is, is football. Baseball might be America’s national pastime, but football is our national passion.
Mullin is senior writer of the News & Eagle. E-mail him at jmullin@enidnews.com. But wait until after the game.
