By Jeff Mullin, Commentary

There must be some mistake.

I demand a recount.

I lost out again. I was so sure I would win this year.

I refer, of course, to People magazine’s recent announcement of 2009’s “Sexiest Man Alive.” I thought for sure I was the front-runner.

Instead, the magazine handed the title to Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp? Capt. Jack Sparrow? Come on.

I mean, he’s a good actor and all, and more than a little edgy and out-there in some of his portrayals, but sexy? I don’t see it.

Sexy, I suppose, is in the eye of the beholder.

So let’s compare. Johnny Depp is a successful actor who makes millions of dollars every time he takes a role. He has been nominated for three best actor Oscars and has won a best actor Golden Globe and one from the Screen Actors Guild.

He also is a musician, a winemaker and owns a restaurant and bar in Paris (France, not Texas). He is 46 years old.

He has played such disparate roles as Edward Scissorhands, Ichabod Crane, Willy Wonka, Sweeney Todd and John Dillinger, and will appear as the Mad Hatter in a 2010 release of “Alice in Wonderland.”

I, on the other hand, am paid millions of pennies to pen this little tome thrice weekly. I once was named best supporting actor for my role as a nervous butler in an eighth-grade play.

I sing, a little, have been known to whine and have been to Paris (France and Texas). I am a little past 46 years old. OK, more than a little.

I have played the aforementioned nervous butler, was the announcer in a seventh-grade production of Orson Welles’ original radio play “War of the Worlds” and portrayed Dopey in a ninth-grade version of “Snow White.” (Some said it was type-casting.)

Johnny Depp is rakishly handsome, with a fey glint in his eyes and lips permanently curled in a bad boy sneer. He also has a full head of hair and often sports a goatee and mustache, not to mention the wild mane and facial forest he wears in the “Pirates of the Caribbean,” films.

I, on the other hand, am plain, my facial features only slightly more defined than those of the Pillsbury Doughboy. My physique also resembles the Doughboy’s, although he has better abs.

I have a full head of hair, OK I have hairs on my head, so few, in fact, I can count them (but I prefer not to, it’s too depressing). My normal expression is quizzical, just this side of outright confusion.

Depp, according to the People Web site, “has had women swooning since his days as a teen detective on 21 Jump Street.” I don’t believe I’ve ever made a woman swoon. I likely have made one or two dyspeptic, but that’s about it.

OK, so I have been passed over again, but perhaps I finished second? No. That honor belongs to Ryan Reynolds, who starred opposite Sandra Bullock in “The Proposal.” Jake Gyllenhaal was No. 3, followed by Bradley Cooper of “The Hangover,” Robert Downey Jr., soccer star David Beckham, Gilles Marini of TV’s “Brothers and Sisters,” and three guys from television’s “Glee,” Cory Monteith, Matthew Morrison and Mark Stalling.

I did not make the top 16. I wonder if there is some sort of not sexy list? Actually there is. The Boston Phoenix, an alternative newspaper in Beantown, publishes an annual list of the 100 Unsexiest Men of the Year. Rush Limbaugh topped the list, followed by singer Chris Brown, scammer Bernie Madoff, New York Yankees’ star Alex Rodriguez and former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich.

I didn’t make this list, either, which is, I suppose, a good thing.

The only list I have made is “Sexiest Male in My Household.” I finished third behind our cats, who have been neutered.



Mullin is senior writer of the News & Eagle. E-mail him at jmullin@enidnews.com.