By Jeff Mullin, Commentary
Marriage is doomed.
That, at least, is the opinion of the Institute for American Values, creator of the U.S. Marriage Index.
The index, created by David Blankenhorn, president of the institute, measures the health of the institution of marriage, just like financial indicators take the pulse of the economy.
The marriage index findings are not encouraging. Marriage, at least in this country, has steadily declined in strength over the past 40 years.
A set of five different statistics make up the index — the percentage of adults between 20 and 54 who are married; the percentage of adults who reported being “very happy” with their marriages; the percentage of first marriages still intact; the percentage of births to married parents; and the percentage of children living with their own married parents.
Put them all together and you get the index’s composite score — which was 60.3 in 2008, way down from 76.2 in 1970.
Some 78.6 percent of adults between 20 and 54 were married in 1970, while that figure was 57.2 percent in 2008. In 1970 almost 90 percent of children were born to married parents, that number dropped to 57.2 percent in 2008. First marriages remaining intact slipped from 77.4 percent in 1970 to 61.2 percent in 2008.
Those who said they were very happy with their marriages slid from 67 percent in 1970 to 62 percent in 2008.
It’s a good bet a couple in a Detroit suburb would not be among those in that number. The husband returned home from work recently to find his wife sleeping, with a bottle of vodka nearby. He threw away the bottle.
When she awoke she grabbed a knife from the kitchen and told her husband to give her back her vodka, give her the car keys so she could go buy some more, or else. He held her off with a chair while he called 911. When police arrived they found her blood-alcohol level was 0.23 percent.
Unlike these folks, I would put myself in the “very happy” category. We have been married 34 years, and, while there certainly have been ups and downs, matrimony has, overall, been a joy.
Our great-niece is getting married this weekend. She hasn’t asked and probably won’t ask, for any pearls of wisdom about marriage, but if she did I’d say ...
• Talk everything over, make decisions together. Think of yourself no longer as an individual, but as part of the corporate “we.” I’m not talking about decisions like what color socks to wear (unless, of course, you are fashion-challenged), but don’t make any big decisions alone.
• Don’t expect every day to be as happy as your wedding day. Life is one long endurance contest, so expect bad days. Work through those days together, taking comfort in the fact you are not slogging through life’s difficult patches alone.
• You’ve heard the saying “never go to bed angry?” It’s wrong. Sometimes you are just too tired to solve your disagreements late at night. Instead, never wake up angry. It’s a new day. Turn the page. Roll over, kiss your spouse and say you’re sorry, then move on. Besides, by the next morning you might have forgotten what you were mad about in the first place.
• Don’t point fingers, unless you’re asking her to pass the peas. Don’t place blame, take it. Don’t accuse, don’t belittle, don’t condescend, don’t ever think you are somehow superior to your spouse (a better golfer, maybe, or better at Scrabble, but never a better person).
• Laugh, a lot. You can find the humor in everything short of chronic diarrhea, so do so. Sometimes laughter is the only thing that keeps you from crying.
• Love, respect, share, don’t hog the covers, think before you speak, put the toilet seat down, pick up your socks, touch each other often (whether it’s a pat, a squeeze or something more serious).
• Think of your spouse first, yourself second.
And always consider your marriage a work in progress.
Mullin is senior writer of the News & Eagle. E-mail him at jmullin@enidnews.com.
