By Dave Ruthenberg, Columnist
Why do men get married? I mean, we are a self-sufficient lot, aren’t we? We’re the hunters, gatherers and protectors in society. Certainly there are the obvious reasons for marriage as somebody has to clean the house and cook the meals. But beyond that, how much do men really benefit from marriage?
So, here I am contemplating this question on a Sunday morning as the wife and I prepare to head out the door for a bite to eat on one of the few days we both have off from work.
Then again maybe I should stay focused on the task at hand and not let my mind wander over such matters, otherwise I would not be standing here in the bathroom with blood running down my face due to the fun-filled male ritual known as shaving. One would think after all of these years I could do this without bloodshed.
“Oh wow, you really nicked yourself,” the missus observes. Nicked myself? Good Lord, can’t you recognize a gaping wound? I am losing a pint of blood per minute here! “Here, try this,” she says putting a small wad of tissue over the gaping maw that used to be my cheek as if that is going to staunch the loss of precious life fluid. Call 911 because I am sure I am … hey … that worked.
Having survived my near-death experience, we finally head out for some breakfast. We check out a new eatery in town and find they offer pancakes with peanut butter. Wow. Like pizza and beer, peanut butter is truly, to paraphrase Ben Franklin, proof God exists. What a glorious reminder of God’s presence on a Sunday.
But before settling in for our meal we peruse the newspaper. There is nothing better than reading the News & Eagle on a Sunday morning (well, actually, you should read the News & Eagle every morning – did I do that right boss?) and I especially look forward to checking out the college football results in the … wait, where’s the sports section? Geez, I ask one thing on Sunday morning. Is it too much to have my sports section? It never fails. Can’t anything go right? “Relax honey, there it is, right under where you set your coat.” Oh.
Our meal arrives and I instantly begin to have buyer’s remorse. Not that there is anything wrong with the food; it’s all quite good. In fact, too good. You see, when it comes to peanut butter I don’t have an internal shutoff. I’ll just keep eating it until, well, until I regret it. Why did I order this? I should know better but I just can’t stop myself. I am probably going to have to order another helping. I am probably …. “Here, let me move that away from you,” says my wife as she deftly swoops in and moves the offending platter out of my reach, saving me from one of my few vices. Killjoy.
We depart the restaurant (fresh from my being saved from PB overload) and head back to the car, which still has that great, new car smell and, let me tell you, this car has some cool, newfangled technology such as a push-button start. Seriously. You don’t even have to have the keys in the ignition, just on your person. Push a button and … alright, why isn’t the car starting? Great, who was the genius that came up with this whole push-button start idea? Yeah, a really great idea if it worked. Three times I have now pushed this button and nothing. Is it too much to expect your brand new car to start? “Honey,” interjects my lovely wife at probably the worst possible moment. “Why are you pushing the button for the heater?”
Back home now, I still find myself searching for the answers about why men really get married. But this imponderably perplexing question will have to wait to be answered another time. Kickoff is fast approaching and I will have to wrap things up. Thankfully I have this cool, compact-sized laptop computer that enabled me to jot down all of my thoughts.
“Be sure you save your document before shutting down the computer,” says a voice from the other room. Sure, honey, anything you say. As if I can’t handle something as simple as that. All I have to do is hit this button and WARNING: document could not be saved due to improper shutdown.
Um, sweetheart? Got a second?
Ruthenberg is copy editor at the News & Eagle. He can be reached at daver@enidnews.com
