Hi and welcome to my new cooking show.

Hey, it’s getting so everyone has a cooking show these days. I figure if Rachael Ray, Emeril Lagasse, Alton Brown, Sandra Lee, Paula Deen, Wolfgang Puck, those “Iron Chef” guys and Tyler Florence can do it, I can do it.

Heck there’s even a naked chef, Jamie Oliver. I will, however, keep my clothes on. There’s no sense making everybody sick before they even taste my food.

I could be like Martha Stewart, without the rap sheet and prison tattoos.

My recipes will be simple. My show could be called “Cooking for Dummies,” subtitled “It takes one to know one.”

My specialties are myriad. Peanut butter and jelly, for instance. I can do white bread or wheat, smooth or chunky. I can even do jam. I know, it’s a gift.

Another show will be devoted to meat sandwiches. Sure, ham and cheese sounds easy, but what kind of cheese? And do you use mustard or mayo. That’s what separates the great chefs from the pretenders.

One entire show will be devoted to cold cereal. I will attempt to answer the burning question, Cheerios or Chex? Later we’ll tackle the controversy over whether Rice Krispies are really saying “snap, crackle and pop,” or something far more sinister. We’ll explore whether 2 percent milk is best, or skim, sugar or artificial sweetener?

When the snow flies I’ll do a segment on instant oatmeal. Just how much water should you add, and how much should you stir? I’ll share my thoughts on whether you should pour the water on the oatmeal, or pour the oatmeal into a bowl of water. Then there’s the matter of, how hot is too hot when it comes to the water.

Other shows will cover my recipes and tips for cooking the perfect frozen pizza or the best bowl of popcorn.

But today we’re talking turkey. Thanksgiving is over and the Mongol hordes you call your family didn’t quite devour everything in sight, despite the fact Uncle Fred took a bite out of your soup tureen.

So what do you do with leftover turkey? I have some ideas. Have you ever thought about putting turkey between two pieces of bread and eating it that way? I call it a turkey sandwich. I’m working on a patent, in fact.

Leftover dressing, when left out in the air long enough, can be used to patch holes in wallboard. Just stuff it into the openings, sand it down and paint over it, and your problem is solved. Unless you have mice, that is. But that will be a topic for my upcoming home handyman show, “How many journalists does it take to change a light bulb?”

Leftover mashed potatoes make great material for sculpting. Don’t believe me? Rent the film “Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind,” and tell me Richard Dreyfuss’ mashed potato mountain in the shape of Devil’s Tower isn’t pure genius.

Still have turkey left over? Try putting it in the microwave at full power for an hour or so. Voila, turkey chips.

More turkey? How big a bird did you buy, anyway? Well, to paraphrase a line from “Forrest Gump,” you can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, sauté it. You can make turkey kabobs, turkey Creole, turkey gumbo, pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There’s pineapple turkey, lemon turkey, coconut turkey, pepper turkey, turkey soup, turkey stew, turkey salad, turkey and potatoes and turkey burger.

Let’s open up the phone lines for some questions. Hello, you’re on “Cooking For Dummies,” head dummy speaking. You have problems with your giblets? I’m sorry lady, have you seen your doctor lately? Next question. How do you make bread rise? You tell it to get up off its lazy behind, that’s how.

That’s al the time we have for today. I hope you had a great Thanksgiving. Join us next time for my two-hour special on canned soup.



Mullin is senior writer of the News & Eagle.