By Jeff Mullin Commentary
Hello, is this the police? Good. I’d like to report something missing.
Yes, something missing. I’ve lost something. Valuable? Of course it’s valuable.
Big? Sure it’s big. It’s Christmas, that’s what it is.
Christmas. No, I’m not crazy. Please don’t hang up again. Hear me out.
I’ve lost Christmas. When did I last see it? When haven’t I seen it? Merchants have been gearing up for it since Labor Day. It won’t be long until Santa Claus arrives wearing a Halloween mask and riding on a sleigh pulled by eight tiny turkeys.
The whole thing is getting out of hand. You can’t just get any old Christmas tree anymore, you have to have a trendy tree. Tree growers in Oregon have come up with a designer Christmas tree. The Noble Vintage tree is bred for perfection and pampered from its planting. It also is some $25 to $80 more ex-pensive than your grocery store parking lot model.
The decorations are getting weirder, too. A couple in New York have decked the outside of their home with a scene including a knife-wielding Santa Claus and a tree decorated with headless Barbie dolls. In Rhode Island, a guy decorated his yard with large portraits of a scantily clad Paris Hilton. What do you mean what’s wrong with that? Does that say Christmas to you? Be that as it may ...
Anyway, Christmas has become controversial. You can’t say Merry Christmas anymore, you have to say Happy Holidays or Seasons Greetings or some such. Christmas has be-come a battleground for political correctness. Pers-onally, I wouldn’t be of-fended if someone wished me a Happy Hanukkah or a blessed Kwanzaa.
They’re even going so far as to change the words of Christmas songs. Students in a school in Dodgeville, Wis., are going to sing “Silent Night” as part of their Christmas program. But they won’t actually sing “Silent Night.” They will sing a song called “Cold in the Night,” sung to the tune of “Silent Night.” Is nothing sacred? What’s that? Yes, they’re singing “Jingle Bells,” but they’re changing the words to that, too. No I don’t think that’s exactly sacrilege, but I think you get the point.
And now they’re even taking pot shots at Santa. A first-grade teacher in Richardson, Texas, decided to tell her students there is no Santa Claus. Parents were outraged, and a district spokesman said the teacher had a call from Santa, who told her the spirit of the holidays is alive and well and to pass that message along to her students. A lump of coal? No, she’s going to get an ice shaver.
Yeah, an ice shaver. That’s the most useless gift anyone can receive, according to 48 percent of those surveyed recently by Choice magazine. An ice cream maker was No. 2, followed by a foot spa.
That’s if you can even find an ice shaver. Stores are running out of everything these days. They’re out of XBox 360, Dora’s Talking Kitchen, the Amazing Amanda doll and the radio-controlled Shell Shocker. They have plenty of Donald Trump Chia Pets, however. You have two? You have my sympathies.
And then when you buy the gifts, you can’t get them to the people you’re giving them to. The shipping company whose commercials tout the company as an island in a sea of poor customer service is giving me the runaround, and all their tracking Web site will tell me is the package is “in transit.” In transit to where, for crying out loud? Jupiter?
Excuse me. Is that all you can say? Chill out? What’s that supposed to mean? Of course everything has to be perfect. Chestnuts roasting on the open fire (350 calories, by the way), the presents everyone wants (with batteries included), a beautiful Christmas Eve snowfall (that doesn’t screw up the roads), a flawless Christmas dinner and time spent with loving family members (even the ones you can’t stand).
So you’re telling me to get over myself, to take a deep breath, to smile, to have an egg nog and to put aside all of my idealized memories of Christmas past, and to keep in mind none of the trappings of the Christmas season are as important as the reason we celebrate.
What? Oh, Merry Christmas to you, too. No, I really wouldn’t care for a Donald Trump Chia Pet, but thanks for asking.
Mullin is senior writer of the News & Eagle.
