By Jeff Mullin, columnist
Enid News and Eagle
ENID, Okla. —
Just because Christmas is over, the presents have been opened (and many returned or already broken), the fruit cake is molding and the cookies and candy are settling around our hips, that’s no reason not to sing a few familiar holiday tunes, with some slight modifications.
So here goes. Our first number is sung to the tune of “Let It Snow.”
“Oh 2013 is coming, and my dear we are all bumming, we’re about to go broke in a jiff, fiscal cliff, fiscal cliff, fiscal cliff.
“The folks in Congress hasn’t done their bit, and they really don’t seem to give a spit, their job performance isn’t too swift, fiscal cliff, fiscal cliff, fiscal cliff.
“When the clock finally strikes midnight, our finances will be a fright, all our paychecks will be cut and many of us will be out on our butt.
“We need a compromise, some leaders who are wise, but what voters think doesn’t seem to make a diff, fiscal cliff, fiscal cliff, fiscal cliff.”
Next is a ditty sung to the tune of “Jolly Old St. Nicholas.”
“John Boehner and the president, lean your ears this way, you guys had better listen well to what I have to say, New Year’s Eve will soon be here, you distinguished guys, get together and make a deal, for goodness sake compromise.
“When the clock is striking 12, recession will return, unemployment will climb as well, and the voters’ anger will burn.
“Don’t let our beloved country fall off the fiscal cliff, or when we go back to the polls we will do so in a tiff, keep us away from economic turmoil, do so quickly please, failure to work out a deal could bring us to our knees.”
Lovely. Now for a piece set to the classical tones of “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.”
“America got pushed over the fiscal cliff, shoved over by partisan politics on New Year’s Eve, I’ve always heard nobody had any sense in Washington, but as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
“Both the Repubicrats and Demicans, are trying to gain the upper hand, so they’re willing to let the little guy suffer, while they dig in their heels to beat the band.
“If they find us New Year’s mornin’, having taken the fiscal plunge, the nation will be left with an economic headache, as if we’d done a cannonball off the high dive into a damp sponge.
“Why can’t you work out your differences, put all your petty jealousies aside, don’t leave the country face down in a snow drift, with Congress prints all over our backside.”
My we are all in fine voice today, except for somebody in the back row who’s a tad flat. No matter, pressing on. Call it “Oh Tannenbaum,” or “Oh Christmas Tree,” it’s a timeless tune.
“Oh fiscal cliff, oh fiscal cliff, politicians’ minds they are unchanging, oh fiscal cliff, oh fiscal cliff, polticians’ minds they are unchanging, the red and blue, they can’t agree, so who pays the price, why it’s you and me, oh fiscal cliff, oh fiscal cliff, politicians’ minds they are unchanging.
“Oh fiscal cliff, oh fiscal cliff, many headaches it will give us, oh fiscal cliff, oh fiscal cliff, many headaches it will give us, jobs will be cut, taxes will rise, the economy will tank right before our eyes, oh fiscal cliff, oh fiscal cliff, many headaches it will give us.
“Oh fiscal cliff, oh fiscal cliff, why did we elect these bozos, oh fiscal cliff, oh fiscal cliff, why did we elect these bozos, they spit and spar, but they do naught, is partisan bickering all our votes have bought, oh fiscal cliff, oh fiscal cliff, why did we elect these bozos.”
And, finally, we conclude with this offering, set to the tune of “Silver Bells.”
“Halls of Congress, and the White House, locked in a political war, in the air there’s a feeling of rancor, both sides balking, there’s no talking, all their faces are grim, and looming over every street corner you’ll see.
“Fiscal cliff, fiscal cliff, why can’t these guys make a deal, if we tumble, our economy will crumble, and our financial gains they will steal.”
“Don’t betray us, toss us under the bus, leave us out in the cold, or the voters will never forgive you.
“It’s almost crunch time, don’t break for lunch time, this is Boehner and Obama’s big scene, get with it and hustle to keep us from falling over.
“Fiscal cliff, fiscal cliff, we’re counting on you to do your jobs, make a pact, don’t fail to act, soon it will be fiscal cliff day.”
I thought I heard someone applaud, or perhaps they simply smacked their heads in disgust. At any rate, thank you, thank you very much. Did someone say encore, or was that no more? No matter. Here’s a new take on the old favorite, “Jingle Bells.”
“Dashing through the night, we are on our way, speeding toward the abyss, cringing all the way, our butts are in a sling, we’re about to be in hock, the geniuses in Washington are about to give us a shock.
“Fiscal cliff, fiscal cliff, is looming just ahead, if there is no deal pretty soon our recovery will be dead, fiscal cliff, fiscal cliff, misfortune seems our lot, if the politicians don’t come to their senses soon the economy will be upsot.”
Wait, there’s more, some new classics like “Deck the Cliff,” “Cliff Navidad,” “Go Tell It on the Cliff,” “What Cliff is This?” and “Joy To the Cliff.”
And a one, and a two ...
Mullin is senior writer of the News & Eagle. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.