ENID — It was Benjamin Franklin who told us first — nothing in this world is certain but death and taxes.

Another certainty is the fact many Americans would rather die than pay taxes.

Nobody likes taxes, save for those in the government who favor the “tax and spend” philosophy.

Nobody likes paying taxes, but we all enjoy the benefits our taxes help pay for — like good roads, police and fire protection, a strong military and the like.

But when it actually comes to dipping into our own pockets to pay the freight, we’re not happy.

A poll taken by the Internal Revenue Service Oversight Board found the vast majority of Americans believe you should never cheat on your taxes. Of course, when the IRS is the agency conducting the poll, what other answer could you give?

What is a bit surprising is the number of people who say you should cheat on your taxes “as much as possible” doubled in 2011, to 8 percent. Another 6 percent of those answering the survey said a little tax cheating now and again is perfectly fine.

Tax scofflaws were bolder several years ago, it seems. In 2003, a full 12 percent of those answering the IRS’ annual Taxpayer Attitude Survey said it was acceptable to cheat on one’s taxes as much as possible.

Most people answering the most recent survey said paying taxes is their civic duty, and said tax cheats should be held accountable. More people cited personal integrity as the primary reason to ante up for the tax man than the fear of an audit.

Only about 45 percent of American households owed any income tax at all last year, according to the Tax Policy Center, a Washington think tank. That is in part attributable to income level, in part due to the many tax breaks and deductions available.

The National Taxpayer Advocate, an independent watchdog agency within the IRS, estimates the U.S. tax code is filled with about $1.1 trillion in credits, deductions and exemptions. That works out to about $8,000 per taxpayer.

Oddly, that is the same as the projected federal budget deficit for the fiscal year that will end in September.

Some deductions deemed legitimate are downright weird. One taxpayer was able to deduct the cost of his swimming pool, since his doctor prescribed swimming as beneficial to his health.

A business owner was able to deduct the cost of cat food, since kitty was used to keep the place free of mice and rats.

A bodybuilder once tried to deduct the cost of oil he used to highlight his bulging muscles during competitions. A tax court ruled this a legitimate deduction.

A business deducted the cost of beer given free to customers as a promotion, and it was approved, as was the cost of a baby-sitter deducted by someone volunteering for charity work.

Those deductions were deemed legitimate. Many others were not. A businessman once tried to deduct the cost of his wife’s mink coat. He claimed he brought his wife along for dinner while entertaining clients, and her mink was a conversation piece and thus part of the entertainment.

A lawyer in New York once tried to claim some $100,000 worth of “medical expenses.” He alleged the money, spent on prostitutes and pornography, helped improve his osteoarthritis.

Another businessman claimed a racehorse he bought as a business expense, saying he regularly took his clients to the track and they were entertained by watching his horse race.

Perhaps the boldest scam was tried by the owner of a failing furniture business. This guy apparently hired someone to burn the business down so he could collect the insurance, to the tune of $500,000. He might have gotten away with it, but he attempted to deduct the $10,000 he paid the arsonist as a business expense. The IRS said no, the police said, “You have the right to remain silent ...”

We are in need of some tax deductions this year. We have cats; perhaps we should try deducting the cost of their cat food, not to mention the kitty litter, veterinarian bills and cat toys.

They don’t protect the house from mice; they wouldn’t know what to do with a real live mouse if one bit them on their furry backsides. But they are beneficial for our physical health, since they keep us from being sedentary — given the fact we are constantly getting up off the couch and letting them out, then letting them in, then letting them out ... you get the picture. Also, they are valuable sources of anaerobic exercise, which comes when we leap up to chase them off the dining room table or scold them for scratching the furniture or turning over the trash basket.

That probably wouldn’t work. So, since I can’t afford a racehorse or a mink coat, I don’t own a furniture business and would wind up filing a single return if I tried that prostitution and porn scam, I have fallen back on the only deduction that makes sense — the bit about bodybuilder’s oil.

The only problem is, sitting around the office oiled up and sporting a Speedo is hardly practical. For one thing, I keep slipping out of my chair. And besides, nobody else can get any work done for all the laughter.



Mullin is senior writer of the News & Eagle. Email him at jmullin@enidnews.com.